On a cold, snowy day in February of 2010, all I knew as true for four and a-half years was confirmed. As I sat in the examining room taking in every last thing she told me, I knew with everything in me that my child was truly a miracle. “After all I’ve seen, your son should honestly not be here today. That you were able to carry him to term is a miracle in itself. He is, by all definition of the word, a miracle.”
For six years, I have been blessed by this miracle’s presence - waking each day to his beautiful smile and “I love you, Mommy”…lying down each night to go to sleep with his little arms wrapped around my neck and “I love you, Mommy”…midday hugs, play breaks and “I love you, Mommy”. He and I have a special relationship. The only child of a single mom - a bond that really is much different than any other. We did everything together, went everywhere together, and never ventured from the other for too long. My little shadow, my welcome distraction. Just me and him against the world.
I have always been the one to be there for my little man no matter what the situation. When he was jaundiced and needed to be awakened every two hours all through the night, I was the one rocking him and feeding him. When he was up all night sick from his immunizations, I was the one who held him and walked with him. When he was terribly sick and hospitalized, I was the one lying next to him in the bed holding his hand, rubbing his forehead, singing him songs. When he was struck in the face with a golf club and his nose was broken, I was the one who rushed him to the emergency room and never left his side. First day of preschool, first day of kindergarten, school programs, carnivals, parties and field trips…I was always there. I did not try to terminate my parental rights three times simply because I hated the other parent and did not want the financial responsibility. I held on with everything I had and fought for my son’s right to see the other parent to foster a solid, healthy relationship even when that other parent missed visit upon visit upon visit. I put my child first and made him a priority when the other parent was not willing to do so. Isn’t that what parents are supposed to do?
Because that other parent’s hatred toward me has escalated and his obsession with revenge is his priority, our world has been turned upside down. Individuals who have no stake in my child’s life are now calling the shots. Men who know nothing about my child…his wants, his needs, his worries, his concerns, his problems…are making all the decisions. My child means nothing to these individuals yet they are the ones in charge. It never should have gotten to this point. I was willing to do what was best for my son whether it was what I wanted or not. My wants, my needs did not matter. My child’s did.
Because that other parent’s hatred toward me has escalated and his obsession with revenge is his priority, our world has been turned upside down. Individuals who have no stake in my child’s life are now calling the shots. Men who know nothing about my child…his wants, his needs, his worries, his concerns, his problems…are making all the decisions. My child means nothing to these individuals yet they are the ones in charge. It never should have gotten to this point. I was willing to do what was best for my son whether it was what I wanted or not. My wants, my needs did not matter. My child’s did.
I am angry, frustrated, infuriated and hurt. I am worried, concerned, fearful and tired. I continue to hold on to all I can now – HOPE. I no longer have faith as faith is being certain of something we do not see. There is no certainty for me. I know that there will be a lesson to come from all of this…I am curious as to just what that lesson will be. In the meantime, I will continue my fight and be strong for my son – My Miracle!
