Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I Am Willing


I am Willing
© Margaret Dubay Mikus

I am willing to change what doesn't work for me in my life.
I am willing to listen with an open heart, without judging.
I am willing to plant seeds that take a long time, if ever, to grow.
I am willing to feel and let go.
I am willing to make mistakes and learn from them.
I am willing to live in the present.
I am willing to forgive and forget in my heart.
I am willing to love as much as my endless spirit will allow.
I am willing to be seen in all my radiance.
I am willing to be fearless.

I am willing to be powerful.
I am willing to be peaceful.
I am willing to stand tall. and walk gracefully.
I am willing to sing with my stunning, full voice.
I am willing to allow. I am willing to let go.
I am willing to change.
I am willing to see and be seen.
I am willing to hear and be heard.
I am willing to feel and be felt.
I am willing to heal and be healed.
I am willing to love and be loved.

I am willing to change what doesn't work for me in my life.
I am willing to listen with an open heart, without judging.
I am willing to plant seeds that take a long time, if ever, to grow.
I am willing to feel and let go.
I am willing to make mistakes and learn from them.
I am willing to live in the present.
I am willing to forgive and forget in my heart.
I am willing to love as much as my endless spirit will allow.
I am willing to be seen in all my radiance.
I am willing to allow. I am willing to let go..
I am willing to be fully human.

Friday, August 22, 2008

For Logan


Not a day passes that I am not in complete awe and wonder of my son. This little being has taught me such huge lessons. It is through him that I have achieved strength I never dreamed possible, love I never imagined existed, and my soul's quiet peace.

I am inspired by his brave and courageous will, his loving heart, and the stubborn orneriness that drives him to succeed. He is, in his mommy's eyes, simply amazing.

The morning cold and raining,
dark before the dawn did come.
How long in twilight waiting,
longing for the rising sun.

You came like crashing thunder,
breaking through these walls of stone.
You came with wide eyed wonder,
into all this great unknown.

Hush now don't you be afraid,
I promise you I'll always stay,
I'll never be that far away,
I'm right here with you.

You're so amazing you shine like the stars,
You're so amazing the beauty you are,
You came blazing right into my heart,
You're so amazing you are...
You are.

You came from Heaven shining,
breath of God still flows from you.
The beating heart inside me
crumbled at this once I knew.

No matter where or how far you wander
for a thousand years or longer
I will always be there for you
Right here with you.

You're so amazing you shine like the stars,
You're so amazing the beauty you are,
You came blazing right into my heart,
You're so amazing you are...

I hope your tears are few and fast.
I hope your dreams come true and last.
I hope you find love that goes on and on and on.
I hope you wish on every star.
I hope you never fall too far.
I hope this world can see how wonderful you are.

You're so amazing you shine like the stars,
You're so amazing the beauty you are,
You came blazing right into my heart,
You're so amazing...
You are.
~Janelle

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Mommy's Brave Boy

As I gaze at my beautiful son sleeping peacefully on the sofa, I am grateful, thankful, and brought to tears. You see, my beautiful son has not slept peacefully in over a week. His precious little body has been wrought with pain and fear. He has been fighting his own war, refusing time and time again to give up, only to find his tiny little feet taking steps backward rather than forward.

Logan became sick with the "flu" on August 13th while on vacation. After 18 hours of throwing up, we thought he was on the mend only to find him once again throwing up the following afternoon. "The tail end of the flu" we assumed and continued to load the car up and return home.

Logan slept reasonably well at home that night and awoke Friday in a chipper, cheerful mood. He was ready to face the world the only way he knew how...head on! Seems the powers that be had other things in mind, however. After wreaking havoc on his upper digestive tract, the virus decided to migrate south and play it's nasty games. Over the next day and a-half, he went through enough diapers to last him a lifetime.

All was well from Saturday evening to Sunday evening. Logan seemed a little tired, but that was to be expected after the battle he had just fought, and, assumingly won. I packed him up in the car for a trip to the grocery store, a trip that was long overdue and not meant to be. As soon as I got him buckled in and sat myself down in the driver's seat, I heard the all-too-familiar wretching followed by the fear-filled cry. "Please God, don't let it be what I think it is" knowing all to well that it was. Once again, the groceries would have to wait.

The process continued in the same pattern as before. Throw up, go to bed, wake up, all is well...I was certain that this time was to be the last. After all, he was eating, drinking, and keeping it down throughout the day. What is it they say about "assuming?" Uh huh, you remember. At 6:15 p.m. on Monday August 18th, I got a call from Papa. Logan had thrown up. I called his pediatrician's office and got him in immediately. After looking Logan over, the doctor informed me that he was mildly dehydrated. Before sending him for IV hydration, he wanted to give Logan the chance to recover on his own since he was only "mildly" dehydrated. Take him home and give him small amounts of Gatorade every 5-10 minutes. If he kept the liquids down, had a good pee-pee overnight, and no vomiting, chances were he was recovering. If he started to vomit again, he would need to be seen at the clinic or, if it was after-hours, at the Emergency Department.

I took my little man home hopeful that he would do fine. He laid down on the sofa at 5:00 p.m. and fell asleep. At 9:00 p.m., the sound of pitter-pattering feet down the hall brought a smile to my face. My precious boy was finally awake. "Well hello my sweet boy" was met with a scene straight from The Exorcist. In my 42 years, I have never seen the amount of vomit I had just witnessed erupting from my son's mouth - over and over. At that moment, I felt a fear that I had never imagined possible. What's wrong with my child? This can't be normal. I called Gippy, cleaned up my son and the mess, and we headed for the Emergency Department. After the standard three-hour wait, a $50 anti-nausea drug placed under the tongue, and half a glass of apple juice, we were sent home with (ta-da) a diagnosis of the flu. I questioned the doctor about hydrating Logan but he said it really wasn't necessary. "He isn't too bad" and "the anti-nausea pill should help" were the only words of advice we were given. Guess what buddy, Mom's not buyin' it!

I called Logan's pediatrician Wednesday morning and an appointment was made. Just as I had suspected, he was now moderately dehydrated and had lost another half pound. His color was ashen and pale, he had dark circles under his eyes, and the veins in his upper eyelids were very apparent. Orders were written for Logan to be admitted to the hospital for IV rehydration, a process that would consist of one bag of normal saline, one bag of dextrose, one bag of sodium, and one bag of potassium, as well as an overnight stay. Throughout the night, Logan's tummy would become distended and hard with no apparent bowel sounds, a sign that the digestive system was not doing what it was supposed to. Watching my little boy grimace in pain and cry what minimal tears he had left, broke my heart. I am his mommy, I am supposed to protect him and keep him from harm and pain. This, however, was not in my control. There was nothing I could do but hold and rock my precious gift.

Logan improved tremendously throughout the night. He was taken off solid food until his tummy settled down and was placed on a BRAT (bananas, rice, applesauce, toast) diet at the time of discharge Thursday afternoon. He has been eating well and keeping it down. He is slowly returning to the Gatorade but is just a little hesitant. He has been asleep for a little over two hours. I find myself once again praying that all-too-familiar prayer, "Please God, let my angel be okay when he wakes up."

I am so proud of my brave little boy. He has been through so much in the last week: doctors, nurses, pokes, prods, needles, and unfamiliar environments. He fought the enemy so hard and, in the end, won a great battle. He is my little hero. And the nasty, unrelenting enemy he was figthing was finally given a name...

ROTAVIRUS

Rotavirus

About Rotavirus

Clinical features:
Rotavirus is the most common cause of severe diarrhea among children, resulting in the hospitalization of approximately 55,000 children each year in the United States and the death of over 600,000 children annually worldwide. The incubation period for rotavirus disease is approximately 2 days. The disease is characterized by vomiting and watery diarrhea for 3 - 8 days, and fever and abdominal pain occur frequently. Immunity after infection is incomplete, but repeat infections tend to be less severe than the original infection.

Epidemiologic features:
The primary mode of transmission is fecal-oral, although some have reported low titers of virus in respiratory tract secretions and other body fluids. Because the virus is stable in the environment, transmission can occur through ingestion of contaminated water or food and contact with contaminated surfaces. In the United States and other countries with a temperate climate, the disease has a winter seasonal pattern, with annual epidemics occurring from November to April. The highest rates of illness occur among infants and young children, and most children in the United States are infected by 2 years of age. Adults can also be infected, though disease tends to be mild.

Treatment:
For persons with healthy immune systems, rotavirus gastroenteritis is a self-limited illness, lasting for only a few days. Treatment is nonspecific and consists of oral rehydration therapy to prevent dehydration. About one in 40 children with rotavirus gastroenteritis will require hospitalization for intravenous fluids.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

On My Way To Me

The last three years of my life have brought so many changes - life altering changes. On June 22, 2005, my life would change forever. No longer would it be all about me. My hopes, my dreams, my wants, and my needs would happily take a back seat. My idea of fun and a late night out would take on a different meaning. "Tia Time" would no longer refer to hours of nothingness but rather 15 minutes to get a shower in.

The definition of who I was slipped silently away the day my son was born only to be replaced by a "newer" version of me - that of Logan's Mommy. I embraced that definition whole-heartedly and wore it proudly. And for three years, it was enough. Until...until I felt a little tap on my shoulder and heard a voice in my ear whispering (rather incessantly) that it was okay to be "Tia" too. For three years, I had forgotten that not only was I Logan's Mommy, I was also Tia. But for three years, all I wanted was to be Logan's Mommy. I was content and happy to set aside me and devote my life to my son. Don't get me wrong, I still am. But I have also come to realize that my identity should not be dependent on my son. What a heavy responsibility for a little guy to carry. In order to be the best mommy I can be to my son, I must also be the best Tia I can be for me.

And so the transformation began - out with the old and in with the new. First on the agenda, the hair. After all, it's instant gratification right? New cut, new color, new attitude. Mama's feelin' good!!! But why stop there when there was so much more to be done.

On July 25, 2008, I would begin the next leg of my journey. With the help of my physician, I would embark on a lifestyle change that has brought me such a feeling of accomplishment and pride. The journey to Thin, Healthy Tia. To date, I have lost 20-pounds (in three weeks)!!! Not only have I drastically changed my eating habits, I have also began exercising daily. With each pound I shed, I can feel myself slowly creeping back. I have more to lose to reach my personal goal but the motivation is strong and my will is determined. So far, I'm liking the "New Old Me."

06/29/09 - UPDATE - I have lost 33 pounds...WOO HOO!!! Seven more to reach my total goal by the end of August.













Sunday, August 3, 2008

Lost and Found

I never fully understood the concept of "finding oneself". I mean, what is it that we are really searching for? Our purpose, our "calling", what it is that brings us true happiness? And will we ever really "find" it? Are we exerting too much effort in the end result and not concentrating enough on the journey?

I've never really considered myself "lost". Yes, I've questioned my purpose and many times thought that I had found it. I've come to realize, however, that my purpose cannot be defined by any given moment, event, or action. Just as I am a complex human being, so, too, is my purpose. Each road I have travelled I have done so for a reason, a reason that may have been unknown to me at the time but one that made itself perfectly clear by the time I reached the end of that road. Each "avenue", each purpose defines who I am. I don't question them but rather accept them taking with me the tools I need to continue my travels.

My "purpose", my "calling" is simply to be the best human being I can be in my time on Earth - the best mother, the best daughter, the best sister, the best auntie, the best granddaughter, the best niece, the best cousin, the best friend, the best employee, and above all else...The Best Tia!!!

"I alone own the definition of who I am."
~Montel Williams

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

My Favorite Childhood Toys ~ Blog Assignment # 2

1. Lazy Dazy ~ This doll was my absolute favorite. I have such fond memories of her. To this day, her "unexplained" disappearance will forever haunt me (thanks Mom).
2. Tessie Talk ~ Peculiar little thing she was, this ventriloquist's doll.
3. Tiffany Taylor ~ A diva before her time. With a twist of her scalp, she went from blonde bombshell to beautiful brunette. AND...when placed in the sun, she actually tanned.
4. Magic Hair Carrie ~ Another interesting creature. Press her belly button, pull her hair and viola, instant long blonde locks. Twist the nob on her back and she returned to her sassy short do.
5. Baby Crissy ~ Same concept as Carrie but in a cuddly baby (well, as cuddly as hard vinyl can be).
6. Quick Curl Kelley ~ From the ingenious minds of Mattel came the "Quick Curl" series of Barbie. This beauty had needle-thin wires in her hair and when "curled" with the miniature pink plastic curling iron she was a sight to behold.
7. My bright yellow bike with the banana seat. Many hours were spent with a flexible straw taped to it (my gearshift of course) picking up and dropping off "patrons" on my bus route.

The memories these toys elicit are strong, warm, and full of smiles. A girlie-girl I was, my dolls were some of the best friends I've ever had.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Boy Genious

I am, again, amazed and in awe of my sweet angel. I am certain I am like all other mothers out there in believing that my son is a genious. However...mine really is - LOL! Yes, I had my inklings when he was counting to ten at the age of two (in Spanish) but he has exceeded my expectations yet again.

My little boy is now a computer whiz (watch out Bill Gates). He can navigate his way around PBSKids.org and NickJr.com with the ease and proficiency of a pro. A mouse is no longer a nasty rodent in his world but a tool to transport him to far away adventures...Dora's Star Mountain Golf Course, Diego's Railroad Rescue, and Blue's Shape Forest. He can dress Max and Ruby, play kickball with Wubbzy, and paint a masterpiece with Zak and Wheezie like nobody's business.

Logan spends hours each day at the computer - MOM'S computer. My ONLY remaining sacred space has been overtaken by a three-year-old with an attitude. Pens, papers, and reference books have now been replaced with trucks, balls, and playdough. What's a mom to do??? ANSWER: Get the three-year-old with an attitude his own computer.

Buster boy will now be able to sit at his own desk, in his own little corner of my office, and play to his heart's content on his very own computer. We Love You, Gippy!!!


Sunday, July 27, 2008

Memories and Lessons Learned


As I sit here listening to 38 Special, I am transported back to a much simpler time. The only worries...Do we have enough gas to make it to the Galleria to pick up our Cloves? Is this mini skirt too long? Can you see this HUMONGOUS zit on my face? Fresh out of high school, we embraced the freedom that we had waited 18 years for. Endless nights of California Coolers, Andre Cold Duck, and "Clove highs". Cruising around in a bright orange Karmann Ghia and a boy with hair the same color. We had not yet heard of cell phones, the internet, or DVDs. No one carried around a Blackberry, a digital camera, or a gun. Crystal meth was not in our vocabulary...it was all natural for us - Mother Nature's greatest herb (rolled in leopard-skin papers when we were feeling really crazy!)

I often wonder where that carefree, crazy girl went. Well, as it inevitably does, she grew up. The journey was not a smooth one...she stumbled and tripped along the way, often times falling so far down that she didn't think she could ever get back up. She did though - time and time again. And with each stumble and each fall, she learned...valuable lessons that would mold her into who she is today. She learned to not ask "why" but rather "what am I to learn from this?" She learned to be grateful for all that had been given to her in this life.

Amazing Grace

How you climb up the mountain
is just as important as how you get down the mountain.
And, so it is with life, which for many of us,
becomes one gigantic test,
followed by one gigantic lesson.
In the end, it all comes down to one word…
GRACE.
It's how you accept winning and losing,
good luck and bad luck,
the darkness and the light.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

You Mean It's NOT Menopause? ~ Blog Assignment #1

I remember the day well...

After weeks of feeling "blah," bloated, and "just not right," I decided to take a pregnancy test. After all, it had been quite a while since Aunt Flo came for her monthly visit. No worries...I was certain it was just all a part of the much-dreaded perimenopause - after all, I was no spring chicken.

I ventured to the nearest Fred Meyer and picked up the ever-populer EPT test and headed home. I read the directions (so simple even a beginniner could do it) and followed them to a tee...

1. Remove the EPT pregnancy test stick from its foil packet just prior to use;
2. Remove the purple cap to expose the absorbant tip;
3. Hold the test stick by its thumb grip. Point the absorbant tip downward;
4. Place the absorbant tip in the urine flow for just 5 seconds;
5. Place the test stick on a flat surface with the windows facing up for at least 2 minutes.

Hmmmmm....two minutes - no problem. After all, I was no spring chicken right?

WHAT THE??? This thing has got to be wrong. Are you kidding me? Maybe my vision is starting to fail me as well. Just at that moment, there was a knock at my front door. Impeccable timing my dearest Jill (a registered nurse). Shoving the stick in her face, I begged her to reiterate my failing vision theory. "What does this look like to you?" "Well, that would be a plus sign. I'd say your pregnant." Not the answer I had been hoping for. Maybe her vision was failing too.

To my astonishment, my perimenopausal symptoms turned out to be something much more than I would have ever expected. That emptiness that I longed to fill but had forever eluded me was to soon be a thing of the past.

My greatest accomplishment, my most treasured gift, my very reason for existence was scheduled to arrive in June!